


it's OK, i wouldn't remember me either

by Princex_N



Category: The Adventure Zone (Podcast)
Genre: :(, Angst, Canonical Character Death, Depression, Drabble, Gen, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Loneliness, Reflection, Sad, Stream of Consciousness, self-deprecation
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-03-24
Updated: 2017-03-24
Packaged: 2018-10-09 23:18:53
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 430
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10424043
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Princex_N/pseuds/Princex_N
Summary: Johan doesn't really tend to expect much of anything.





	

**Author's Note:**

> hey? hey griffin? why do all of the characters i love and relate to have to fucking _die_????

Johan doesn't really tend to expect much of anything. 

He knows that getting your hopes up only really leads to disappointment, so it's easier to just, not expect anything. That way, even the small things seem pretty good. 

So he really should have known that him making it to twenty was a total pipe dream. 

Turning nineteen had been unexpected in itself; Johan really hadn't thought that he'd make it that far. 

He's not entirely sure what he had thought would happen after he'd turned eighteen, but he definitely hadn't been expecting to live for very long after that. So turning nineteen felt surreal, and vaguely unsettling. He'd started thinking that maybe it was a good thing that he'd been picked up by the Bureau, because if he had continued to live a normal life, he'd be completely lost; it's not like he'd made  _plans_ or anything. He'd have absolutely no idea what to do with himself. 

He current has absolutely no idea what to do with himself. 

Turning twenty had still seemed unrealistic and far away, even though it was only a few months coming, but Johan had started thinking, recently, that maybe he wouldn't mind it. Things had been sort of looking up a bit. They were still undoubtedly hard, exhaustively so, but he had thought...

He had thought that maybe he could do it anyway. 

But he supposes that some things are just too unrealistic, and Johan's never had particularly good luck anyway. 

He isn't entirely sure how he feels about all of this. 

He feels almost, cheated. 

Johan had never been sure of  _how_ he would die; he's just always known that it would happen eventually (and probably sooner than later). For some reason, he felt like he would have had some kind of choice in it? Like, if he was going to die, it might as well have been his own choice, his own decision. 

Instead, he's not even entirely sure what happened to him. And that kind of pisses him off. 

He hadn't even gotten to say like, goodbye or anything. If Johan had known that he was going to die, there were some things that he'd wanted to say to certain people. 

He isn't sure if that matters anyway. If  _he's_ dead, and it wasn't by his own decision, then there has to be some kind of wild bullshit going on down there, so chances are that no one's actually thinking about him. 

Chances are that no one's actually noticed yet. 

Johan supposes that that's okay. 

He hadn't really expected anything else, anyway. 

**Author's Note:**

> I'm feeling weird about turning twenty this year, and now I'm even more depressed than I was earlier today! I'll most likely write something less depressing later, but it's late an I'm sad right now, so this is what there is.  
> [my tumblr](http://www.princex-n.tumblr.com)  
> [my twitter](http://www.twitter.com/princex_n)


End file.
